Break Down

I've handled Miguel being gone really well until today. I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or what, but I just can't keep it together today. It started this morning. I was supposed to play piano for sacrament, and for some reason I thought that if I left my house at 10:30, I'd have plenty of time to put up the numbers and play some prelude music. At 9:55, Brother Something called and asked if I would be making it to church. I said I yes and suddenly realized that church started at 10:00, not 11:00. There was no way I could make it in time. I tried, but I was late. Apparently there is another girl who plays piano, and she filled in and did great. So I was sitting in the front with Chloe and a missionary got up to give a talk. He's from Mexico. The only thing he has in common with Miguel is his skin tone and hair color. Other than that, he looks nothing like Miguel. But apparently he looked similar enough and every time I looked at him, my eyes started to tear up. I just felt so alone, and I miss Miguel so much. I couldn't keep it under control, so I took Chloe to the mother's room hoping I could be alone. There were two other mothers in there. I held it together until one of them left, and then I couldn't do it anymore. I started crying and tried to tell her what was wrong between sobs. And Chloe was being so good. Maybe that's why it started. Normally she's crawling all over me and I don't have time to feel lonely.

My mother is out in the wilderness again. Everytime she goes somewhere out of cell phone range, my life seems to fall apart. I was just thinking last night that I'd done such a good job this time, and I haven't needed to call her since she left on Thursday. But now this. I can't get a hold of her, or aunt cerese, and I don't really feel comfortable crying to anyone else. I did call Miguel. He was at Wal-mart, which is not the best place to hold a conversation. Plus, I don't like to call him when I'm like this because I don't want him to feel like he's doing the wrong thing by working over there. I'm just having a tough day.