It's 6:20am. I wanted to sleep in some more, but I was too hungry; my stomach wouldn't let me. So now I'm enjoying the fact that both my girls are sleeping and I'm eating a bowl of cereal. First thing, I think I should clarify that my "right after delivery" photo was not immediately after giving birth. Believe me, my hair looked nothing like that when Leyla was placed in my arms. When I went to the hospital, I had my hair in a ponytail and I had 3 barrettes holding stray hairs in place. By the time everything was said and done, one barrette was missing (it turned up later in the tape of my useless epidural), and only only about 1/5 of my hair was still involved in the pony tail, the rest had been pulled out by me. Apparently pulling my hair is my way of coping with pain. Anyway, the point is that I'd had a few minutes to fix my hair and get my senses together before the picture was taken. I can guarantee I looked nothing like that immediately after giving birth. But thanks for the compliments!
Miguel left yesterday morning. It was hard to let him go, but it was also hard to have him here. I think I had really high expectations of his visit home, and that sort of set me up to be disappointed. And I also think that I've grown accustomed to having a strictly phone relationship with him. I can't really explain it, but it was sort of like there was a wall between us while he was here. I don't think we engaged in a single meaningful or even delightful conversation while he was here. But he called me twice yesterday and when I was talking to him on the phone, any sort of wall that was between us was completely gone. I don't really know what to make of it. But I have a feeling that when he comes home for good, we're going to have to look into marriage counseling, because something has changed between us, and I don't like it. If his three week visit home is any indication of our future lives together, I want nothing to do with it.
So now I'm all by myself (as far as adult companionship is concerned) and I sort of feel like this is the way it's supposed to be. I've gotten used to being alone. I like having a clean kitchen and a tidy bedroom. I like being able to use the computer at any given moment. Perhaps I've become even more selfish since living alone.
Miguel's mom isn't here yet, and I doubt if she ever will come. There just always seems to be something getting in the way. But I found a sitter for Leyla for the rest of the week, and then she'll be old enough to go into daycare. I had to take out even more student loans to pay for the sitter and the daycare. I really didn't want to have to put her in daycare at this young of an age, but I don't know what else to do. It would have been so nice to have someone else here with me for a few more weeks so I could figure out a routine and get more comfortable with the idea of taking care of two children. But oh well. Thank goodness winter is coming, which means I won't have to mow the lawn quite as often. Chloe just woke up, so I better get going.
3 comments:
Sounds like you are doing some pretty deep reflective thinking. Early mornings can bring that out sometimes. I have every confidence in you and your capablilites. You are a fantastic mom, a hard worker and a very creative problem solver. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to - maybe not in the "exact" time frame you'd like - but you CAN do it!
I'm so glad something has worked out for you to stay in school.
I'm constantly amazed at your diligence and determination.
My prayers are still with you as life always seems to test our strengths and weaknesses.
Let me guess...Chloe is putting the lid on the mandarin oranges? That's our girl! :) Love the new do and how very clever with the laundry basket! Handles for portablility and no chance of rolling out.
I've been praying you'd find a solution to the babysitting thing and now you have two options! You are the bomb! Way to hang in there girly girl! I love you!
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