I've been thinking a lot about Lily lately. I told her new owner that I would call a few weeks after I dropped her off to make sure everything was going ok. I never did call, but I still had her number, so I decided to call today. I wanted to make sure she had my number just in case she ever gets in a situation similar to the one I was in. If so, I want her to call me rather than find some other random stranger to give Lily to. Anyway, I'm happy to report that I did get a hold of Pricilla (Lily's new owner) and she said Lily is doing wonderful and is a great dog. I was so glad to hear that.
In other news, the church had a Christmas dinner tonight. I decided that I'd go because I didn't want to make anything for dinner tonight and I like free food. I'm not sure if it was worth it since at one point I was holding both girls on my lap trying to feed both myself and Chloe. But Leyla played baby Jesus in the nativity scene and she looked so very cute. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of it since I was all the way in the back trying to keep Chloe under control.
And now for what's really been on my mind- My idea of a good husband is not someone who spends all day away from the family, sitting on his ass outside or at the ghetto neighbor's house and then comes home drunk and stoned and passes out on the couch. Yet, that seems to be the relationship I've gotten myself into. I feel like I have a sloppy roommate instead of what I really would like- a loving husband. I realize that I no longer see us being together for the rest of our lives. I just don't see it working out if things keep going the way they're going. I want to be happy, but I'm afraid I keep doing the same thing over and over. Perhaps the problem is with me and I keep looking for someone else to make me happy, and that's never going to work if I'm not happy with myself. But I don't know, I felt pretty ok with living by myself for the 8 months Miguel was away. I don't know... I'm just not very happy and I don't know what to do about it. But I don't want to just give up on the relationship because we have children.
Maybe the problem is that we have totally different ideas about what it means to be a family. I enjoy spending time with my family and I try to take full advantage of the time that I get to spend with them when given the opportunity. I remember when Chloe was born, we went to visit his mother and his two little boys from his first marriage were at his mom's house. He hardly ever gets to see them, and instead of spending time with his boys, he spent most of the time playing a stupid video game with his brother while the boys were outside entertaining themselves. I remember I was so disgusted at his behavior, but I didn't say anything because I never know what's appropriate to talk about with regards to his other children. So I guess after witnessing that behavior I shouldn't be surprised that he only spends maybe 20 minutes a day interacting with me. It's just that in my mind, if you really love someone, you enjoy their company and you take full advantage of any time you have to spend with them. I guess I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I do know that I'm thirsty and need a shower.
Ok, I just finished taking my shower and while showering, I realized I needed to add a little more to this post. I need to clarify that I'm not unhappy with life, I'm just unhappy with my relationship. Besides my relationship, things are going great. I have two healthy, beautiful daughters, I'm only a year away from earning my bachelor's degree, I'm constantly learning new skills, and my significant other normally provides enough income for us to live comfortably. This is a step in the right direction because it used to be that when I was unhappy in my relationship, my life was unhappy. But this is no longer the case. Now I can separate the two. So that's good. Ok, I'm going to bed.
2 comments:
Sounds like some serious soul searching going on there. It's a good thing to take stock once in awhile to determine where you are and set goals for yourself. It's a little more difficult with the aspects of your life that you can't control - relationships, etc. I'm glad to see that you can recognize both the things that are great and the things that you want to work and and not let the one completely overshadow the other. I'm glad to hear you found out about Lily. She was such a good thing for you and played a key role at various stages of your life.
Hang in there- you are strong and capable and you will do what you need to, to continue to make your life meaningful.
I thin it's great that Leyla played baby Jesus. I bet she DID look adorable. I'm glad you went even though it was an armful. Christmas activities can be a hassel at times, but the memories they provide last forever- pictures or no.
I'm very impressed that you can separate your relationship from "the value of your life". That is a hard one for many women.
Always good to establish what is essential in your life and not compromise where it is key. It is hard to step back and evaluate, but only people who do continue to grow and learn. Kudos to you for looking.
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