All About Me and Borderline Personality Disorder

Miguel went to a friend's house to watch a fight or something. The girls are asleep. I was finishing up a quilt and somehow got to thinking about the disorder that I was diagnosed with back in Idaho during my first year or two of college. Since I seem to have a few free minutes and it's on my mind, I decided I should write about it.

I have always had a problem with picking. I pick at scabs, zits, or any pore that may possibly be clogged. It gets out of hand, and I don't even realize what I'm doing. During my second year at ISU one night I spent probably an hour or so in front of the mirror picking at a patch of skin on my clavicle. At one point, I took a step back and looked at what I had done. I thought to myself, "this is pretty bad. I wonder if I have a problem. I should probably show mom." So I reluctantly showed my mom what I had done. I was embarrassed to show her, but I knew it was time to let someone know how obsessive I was. I can't remember if it was right after that or after I cut my arms up after some guy broke up with me, but we got me set up with a psychologist. He interviewed me and then had me fill out a really long test thing. He then diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder and set me up with one of his therapists. I went to my appointments for quite a while and took antidepressants. Then I declared myself healed and moved to Texas. And I believe I've already gone over what happened once I moved here. Things just went from bad to worse until I met Miguel and then got pregnant.

So, I haven't had any problems with cutting, depression, substance abuse, promiscuity, etc. since before I was pregnant with Chloe. I haven't taken my antidepressants in over 2 years, and I haven't put much thought into that either. So tonight I was thinking back to that diagnosis and wondering just how accurate that psychologist was. I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder on wikipedia and webmd and it appears as though he nailed it right on the head. Reading about the disorder was almost like reading my own journal. Here are 7 criteria listed on wikipedia for diagnosing someone with BPD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

This is so me. In all my relationships, I swing from thinking that my significant other is the best in the world to thinking that they're no good at all. And it happens pretty randomly. I also go back and forth from thinking I'm hot stuff and that I'm the most hideous being on the planet. I've been known to cut myself and still have a serious picking issue. I have crazy road rage. I fear rejection more than anything. If I see someone I know, I'll pretend that I don't see them so that I don't have to face the possibility of them not acknowledging me (which would be rejection in my book). This makes it really hard for me to make friends.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I may not be as disorder free as I thought I was. The worst symptoms are better (promiscuity, cutting), but I'm by no means cured.

Hmm... I have more to think about. I also have a quilt to finish, so I'm going to get back to that.