I am sick to my stomach. Before I go on, I need to make it very clear that no one should feel sorry for me. I went about this whole thing in the worst way possible. I hurt the father of my children, and I hurt him deeply. I stopped loving him without telling him. I kept quiet about things that upset me when I should have spoke out. I did give him warnings, but I know I could have been more assertive about it. I know that earlier on, I was afraid that if I asked him to choose between his weed and me, he'd choose his weed. And instead of giving him the choice, I made it for him. He did try to quit several times, and I know I expressed my anger when he started back up. Maybe I should have yelled and screamed at him. I don't know.
He had been on his best behavior the past few days, trying to prove to me that he could change and that he was serious about changing. I was afraid how his tone would change once he realized I wasn't going to give him the chance. Well, his tone changed today and he was back to calling me a whore and a slut. I packed up necessities and put the girls in the car and went to make one stop at a friend's house before starting a long road trip to Idaho. He said that he wasn't going to leave the house since it's his. And I agree with that logic. He worked his ass off to pay for this house and the things in it. However, as I was at my friend's house, he called and told me that he couldn't do that to the girls. He said he was packing up his stuff and leaving for real this time. So I came back to the house with the girls. And I'm not so sure it was a good idea. I'm actually scared for my well being. I have a feeling I'm going to be on-edge all night.
I wish I had done things differently. I did horrible things which are making this separation a lot uglier than it had to be. If I had not cheated, he wouldn't have the right to call me terrible names. I can never be trusted again. I just hope that I can be a good single mom like my mother was. I think my expectations for any partner are too unrealistic, and I'll never be able to be a part of a healthy, successful marriage because of it. So all I can do is focus on my two beautiful girls and do everything in my power to make up for that. I want to be the best single mother ever. Miguel, I'm sure you don't believe it, but I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry. You deserve better.
4 comments:
Kelsey if you are nervous for your well being maybe you shouldn't be staying there, to protect you and the girls. I am so sorry to hear about all of your hard times. I hope things will be okay. I am sure your mom would welcome you home at any moment. Your a great friend and mother.
kelsey i only wish you had given me the chance to go through rehab. drawn the line. seek out all viable professional options before you did what you did. not just for me but for our daughters. marriage (we are not technically married but we did that for your schooling reason, i hope)is not about me. about you. its about those precious little girls we made. you think youre fragile? look at my poor little chloe. marriage is about trust and saying what you feel. i did not like you having matt back on your thing. i told you. you respected that. i appreciated it. i drew the line. i think we were good together because we are opposites. with your nature people can take advantage of you. i can spot that. im street smart. thats the kind of things that matter. im not the cleanest person, (my drug use makes this hard. i just noticed today how dirty that corner was) but draw the line. you need to learn how to stand up for yourself and say no and speak what you feel. im sure i said some hurtful things but quite frankly, im hurt. im still upset right now, but the wound is yet fresh and very deep.
So sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life! Your blog actually hit home quite a bit, as you know. What you need to do is make the best choice possible for YOU AND your little girls. If that means leaving or staying, just do what is best and what will leave you and your girls in a safe, happy, and healthy situation. I will keep you in my prayers and if you need anything, please let me know! Love ya, Kristin
I think that everything will work out how is should. I agree, you should have drawn a line and let him decide, but I'm sure your like me in the fact I don't like confrontation, sometimes it easier to just walk away. Just pray about it and things will work out how they should. seeing my dad and his addictions, he couldn't ever change.... He chose to drink over us kids. it's hard to give up that kind of addictions, but if he can do it, he needs to do it for himself first.
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