I've been going through my blog, selecting pictures for a project I'm working on. I started at day one of my blog and made it through July of 2007. I haven't looked back in quite a while. At this time last year, I was at my aunt and uncle's home after fleeing from Texas. I should have been walking across the stage for my graduation.
The point is, when looking back at old pictures of Miguel happy and smiling, sometimes it's hard to see how things went so bad. A part of me looks at the pictures and wants everything to go back to how it was. The relationship really wasn't that bad. It just wasn't AS good as I thought it should be. That combined with the marijuana use and alcohol abuse was enough. And add on top of that the encouragement I got from friends and family via phone conversations and facebook comments, and my decision to leave him was a done deal. Sometimes I think I rely too heavily upon other people's advice. One thing that my counselors and I talked a lot about was my right and ability to make decisions for myself and trust my own judgment. As a result, I have made some choices that I know my family does not approve of. I appreciate their love and concern for me and the girls, but I am learning how to make decisions for myself. That doesn't mean I just do whatever I want without listening to loved ones' concerns, and it especially does not mean that I make decisions without concern for my children.
I kind of went off on a tangent there. The point is, it's hard to look back and realize that we had good times together. It's easy to be pissed off at Miguel and hate him and dwell on all the things he's said and done the past year. He's made it very easy to be upset with him and remind me why I left him and why I never want to go back. But admitting that there was a time when we were happy together and that I was madly in love with him at one point is difficult and sometimes makes me wonder if I gave up too easily. But there's not really any point in wasting time wondering about "what-if" scenarios. He's hurt me so much in the past year that there's no way I can go back to him, irregardless of whether or not I gave up on him prematurely.
I hope that some day we can interact with each other like mature adults.
In other news, I think we're going to lose the house. It still hasn't sold. After the new year, I'm going to drop the price again. Right now it's at the point where I'll get the $3000 Miguel owes me for community debt plus about $2000 to split for profit. I'm going to forget about the community debt and set the price for what we owe on the house, plus the realtor fee. I really hope that does the trick. Miguel never paid the December mortgage, and I sure as hell don't have the money to do it. I would be happy to take over the payments and live there until it sells, except I know that doing that will just cause even more problems with Miguel. He'll send his brother by to spy and me and then get all crazy when he hears that Shane is at the house. And I'll never be able to rest easy knowing that he knows exactly where I am. I've put a lot of thought into moving back into that house, and I just cannot do it. I've also considered renting it out, but the problem with that is that I don't have any money to fix stuff when it breaks. So I'm going to drop the price again after Christmas, and if it still doesn't sell... I guess it'll be foreclosed.
I'm looking forward to the new year. I have a whole lot more I could ramble on about, but it's getting late. By the way, I included a random picture because posts are more interesting with photos. I took that picture last week when I was getting ready for Shane's work Christmas party. Wasn't my dress and shoes cute? Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of me all done up until after the party, and my hair was all flat and crappy by then. So the leg picture is as good as it gets.
1 comment:
I hope your house sells in the new year!! It's good that you could take a step back an analyze your relationship with Miguel. I certainly wasn't ALL bad as it might have felt this past year. You seem to be looking at it with a critical, realistic eye and that is good. Everyone always has opinions about what would be the best decision to make and it's easy to make them for other people because you don't have to live with the choice. When you make a choice for yourself & your kids you also have to deal with the consquences of that decision--as you well know from past experience. The trick is trying to think what some of those consquences might be. We can never anticipate all of them or even prepare ourselves for all of them. We can only hope that we will be able to cope with whatever they may be. Sometimes making those does involve seeking and using the advice that others have to give--people who may have been through it before us or people who see our situations more obectively that we can ourselves and that's okay too.
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